Choices we have to make

If this post was made yesterday or the day before, it will most likely be entitled 'guilt', for I was out of the blue largely guilt-stricken for the last two days over my not too distant former relationship. Feeling guilty that it turned out the way it did. Yet, I have shifted out of the phase (like moon, haha), and after a generally productive weekend and day, many things are much clearer though not all clear. In a way, I have made a subconscious choice, to wait and see how it may go, in a way still holding a sense of hope even when I 1) tell myself that its not going to happen, 2) was told that I should no longer feel this way when I should not have. It is perplexing, but talking to El today, did help me make sense of some things, and which suggest that I may be wrong on certain things, but what may be right, is that she just might be worth any effort that I should put in. It is somewhat like my own research results, which shows that there are many things in which we don't actually make a clear commitment to, but by not taking any other non-commital stance, we are indirectly accepting a perverse form of commitment. Maybe she was right to consult SY, but it was I who failed to appreciate the action in its entirety. Lessons we learn in life I guess. I don't know, I don't. I guess I have made a decision, a decision which I made quite some time ago, but which I have been finding ways to cope with, and yet not exactly finding the right way to live with such a choice. Puzzling... The research is going on well, and thank to El, Mai and Daisuke, I managed to sort out some of my thoughts which were so disorganized, and finally worked out a general format of discussion, which is logical and comprehensive, which also made it much clearer to me what is still missing and who i need to look for. Hopefully, things will be smooth going. Choices again, choices... Although I do wonder, whether there really exist such a choice? Shall see I guess... shall see.